The Way to Live

At forty seven, self-examination ends up being a long, inescapable bath in a quagmire of self-pity and loathing. I sit at the coffee shop and the bar watching but not interacting with the fit, young, well-to-do and happy. Instead of offering respect, I am just holding back contempt and loathing, not for anything they have done, but rather for everything I have not. I see a mirthful couple, exchanging touches and smiles, laughing over conversation, wine and appetizers. I want to share in their joy, but the one I loved despises my very being, so I just have to look away and sip my Stella. A chair away at he bar, two friends are having pints and enjoying the hockey game. They seem to have no worries, and not in some veneer, plastic cover way. I take a bite of a yam fry, on a tab I cannot afford. My age old friend has not answered my phone and text invite. I just type in my blog this diatribe. Around the corner, two young ladies sip Malbec and converse about how well life is working out. “Mercy” is playing on the radio and I am praying for some. I know I am such an outsider. They would be scared if not repulsed by me. Worse, I know I would be doing them disservice as I am messed up. I am not divorced because I cannot afford the charges or lawyers. I am so far in debt, I work two jobs, while chasing a third, to pay bills and try to support my children. I am fat, ugly and old. I am not afraid, just ashamed. The worst part is not that I know my life is not the way to live. The worst part is knowing how to live and not having done so. I did not fall down. I was not knocked down. I did not start low or short handed. I just laid down. Out of arrogance. Out of cowardice. Out of indulgence. I laid down and let everybody down. I do not deserve sympathy. I accept the mess I have made. I just wish for my family and friends to not suffer at my hand or from my negligence. This blog is not a cry for help. It is just a repositioning.

Anatomization of Destiny

The tendency of many is to analyze actions and events to find what trigger made them occur. Was it a choice? Was it the result of peer influence? Was it directed by genetic disposition?

Others proclaim that these actions or events were brought about by a divine spirit, put in play from the start or active shaped and influenced.

This arrangement of opinions creates an argument between destiny and free will. The truth, although paradoxical and strangely beautiful, is that both control these events and actions.

I think of the string of beads I made for meditation that hang from the rear view mirror in my car. Each bead, repeated in a set of seven, represents a member of my immediate family. Often, when I am sitting in traffic, I will meditate, rubbing each bead with that person and their significant others in mind. I might thank them. I might ask that I may model their strengths. Most often, I pray for their forgiveness.

Let us say that one of them shows forgiveness. Was it my prayer that moved the God to whom I pray to plant the seed of forgiveness in that person's mind? Or did the person make the choice to forgive because that was what they were thinking about in their world? Did she just forgive because that was she taught or told to do? Or does she just naturally forgive as am extension of her personality? Or did my repreated meditation on asking forgiveness place me in a humble disposition forgiving others and seeeking forgives that sent an invitation to be forgiven?

The answer is yes to all of the above reasons. They all happened. They are not incompatible or in opposition. They just different sides of a shape. They are different views of the sunset. They are all true and beautiful.

The real truth and beauty, however, is that act of forgiveness. It need only be admired for what it is and not judged for how it came to be.

I Do Not Believe in God But I Wish I Could

I mean no one offence by saying that I do not believe in God but I wish I could, especially God. I am not saying that he or she or it does not exist. I am not proclaiming to the world that I am an atheist nor am I letting my inner agnostic free. 

I am not dishing God because I know innately there is a God. I just am having almighty trouble believing in Him or Her. I know it sounds crazy but I am quite to open to the Divine and its many faces. I understand that we may refer to God as God, Yahweh, Allah, Jehovah, the Great Spirit or Mother Nature. We may worship from pews or mats or mountain tops. We may do it in temples, synagogues, or quiet rooms. We may give praise together or alone in a multiverse of languages. We may collect our understandings in scrolls or books, gather them in stories, poems, essays or movies. We may proclaim to be right and others wrong. However, none of this matters and at the same time means everything as we are wrong and we are all right. I know that we as an individual and as a collective are God.

I came to this paradoxical, simple and complex conclusion about the nature of God when I was very young. With this mantle, I have set forth into this world. However, I have often set this coat down. I believe I have misplaced it. I have thought, said and done bad things that have hurt myself and others directly and indirectly in complete disregard of this mantle. 

I need to point out that I did not do things that were wrong or incorrect. These things are just mistakes and are measured by concepts and standards that have nothing to do with morality. I did not fail an exam or not get hired. I did not lose money or fall down. No, I did things that were bad and not good. I did, thought or said things that pushed myself away from others or pushed others. In so doing, I have torn myself away from God. I have torn away at my soul.

This sounds monstrous when I want it to be magnanimous. It isn't monstrous as to choose between good and evil is the essence of life. We try to navigate right and wrong, when all we need to do is to seek out the good: to find and join God. 

At times, I have said that I believe in God to others. Often, I put the mantle on as if to pump up my self-esteem or to try to outdo others. Instead, I should have shared my coat to help keep them warm and safe. I should have given my blanket for others to wear. At times, I have paused to contemplate my thoughts, words and deeds before executing. I have known full well the consequences, direct and direct, short-term and long-term. At these points, I have launched into rationalizations and justifications. Thus armed, I have set down the mantle and proceded. Shortly after, I have gone to self-pity and punishment and try to find my scarf, only to find it thin and thread-bare. 

Certainly, I have paid for the consequences, which I have tried to avoid successfully. I know that I need to complete penance, fix what I have damaged, prevent future hurt, repair relationships and ask forgiveness. I need to ask others, myself and God or there will be nothing of this mantle left. I do not do it often enough, out of fear. It is a dread about how others will think of me. In this world of exposure and judgement, small comforts can be found in keeping these things underground and secret.

Here is where the God part comes in. She sees everything and everywhere. He is me, you and everyone now, in the past and forever more. Hiding it is just pulling away from God. She is not trying to take the coat back. I am just giving it back out of shame. 

If I believed, I would honor the mantle. It would be sacred. I would wear it everywhere. I would share altruistically without hesitation or doubt. I would not be afraid. I would enjoy doing good. I would wake up with enthusiasm to do good. 

As humans, we tend to persecute people who do things that are not right, correct or normal. We punish or ignore those who stand out who call us to change with their actions and example. I would be sure to stop this. I would wear my mantle in the brightest colours to share my belief. No one could suppress me or you or God.

As a young kid, I heard that world hunger, poverty and war could not be solved. Back then, with innocence, I would pull out my mantle. I would show it to others as I refused to believe. I believed in God. 

As an old man, I write blogs and awful poetry. I am trying to pull out the mantle. I watched a TED Talk video during which a fishery expert explained how we could bring back the fish of the world quite simply and eliminate food shortages and the conflict that entails. The solution was simple. Many more countries needed to adopt fishing regulation and protections and policies. I watched the graphs and the data spin by in the video as I knew that what she said was good and true. Watching a video should hardly be a revelation, but I have found God in a thousand places. I just need to open my eyes. I need to see the miracle and gift of bread and fish laid before us

I need hope that there is a God. Without Her, I cannot go on. Nor can we.

I need to trust in Him. I need to know that despite the apparent universality of greed, fear and hate that love will continue to transform the world into a reflection of His good. 

I need to have faith in Her. I need to wear the mantle. I need others to wear the coat as we face the obstacles, the ones we have set before ourselves and the ones laid before us. I cannot give up. Nor can we.

I need to love Him. I need to give Him the praise due. When things are bad, I need to adjust my lens and be thankful for what I have been given, when others have not been. I need to share with others because we are all one in the same: we are God. I need to pray for advise and strength. I need to be able to give this and take from others.

Most importantly, I need to believe in Her. I need to start and continue my day following in her footsteps. I need to know where to go and what to do. I need to stay true.

Or I will be lost and alone.

Is it true we start to become like the people we surround ourselves with?

We become what we do by habit. The people we surround ourselves with provide an example and a mirror. When we are with 'good' people, we behave well and become 'good'. When we are with people who do not pursue 'good', we can too easily adapt to or accommodate such behaviour. As self-reflective people, we work to not adopt these habits but it remains hard as we are not accepted by these people when we do. We work to surround ourselves with 'good' people. 

However, what about the people who do not pursue or see 'good'? We cannot abandon them. We need to be a mirror and a model for them as well. At this point, we reach self-actualization. It sound easy and clear. In reality, it isn't. But we must try.

The Almighty Sun

The Sun is my God. 

She warms me. She blinds me. She reigns behind clouds or commands the open blue sky. 

She is present everyday for myself and everyone, has been and will be. Her reach is immeasurable. 

She is not to be known but only understood and remembered. For all things start and end and continue with her.

Bites of Wisdom Campaign

I have found myself sharing bites of wisdom on twitter (@chilgartner). I do so that others can make of them what they will. I also do it so that I can hold these bites in my head as I attend to the day before me. 

As I am big on collaboration and the point of social media is to be social, I am creating a campaign to collect these bites of wisdom. To contribute, tweet your bite to #WiseBites. To view the bites, visit #WiseBites in your twitter account. If you are not shy, include your @username so we can connect.

As my first WiseBite, I have posted the following:

Shortcuts are instant gratification. Goals require sacrifice & yield long-term satisfaction. #personalgrowth #WiseBites

I am feeling wiser already. Tweet #WiseBites

A prayer

I pray for my children, Jacob, Kaelyn, Christina and James. I pray they find their purpose and their strength. I pray they struggle and celebrate with faith, hope and love. I pray they look after each other and themselves. May they find passion and confort with friends and family.