I Do Not Believe in God But I Wish I Could

I mean no one offence by saying that I do not believe in God but I wish I could, especially God. I am not saying that he or she or it does not exist. I am not proclaiming to the world that I am an atheist nor am I letting my inner agnostic free. 

I am not dishing God because I know innately there is a God. I just am having almighty trouble believing in Him or Her. I know it sounds crazy but I am quite to open to the Divine and its many faces. I understand that we may refer to God as God, Yahweh, Allah, Jehovah, the Great Spirit or Mother Nature. We may worship from pews or mats or mountain tops. We may do it in temples, synagogues, or quiet rooms. We may give praise together or alone in a multiverse of languages. We may collect our understandings in scrolls or books, gather them in stories, poems, essays or movies. We may proclaim to be right and others wrong. However, none of this matters and at the same time means everything as we are wrong and we are all right. I know that we as an individual and as a collective are God.

I came to this paradoxical, simple and complex conclusion about the nature of God when I was very young. With this mantle, I have set forth into this world. However, I have often set this coat down. I believe I have misplaced it. I have thought, said and done bad things that have hurt myself and others directly and indirectly in complete disregard of this mantle. 

I need to point out that I did not do things that were wrong or incorrect. These things are just mistakes and are measured by concepts and standards that have nothing to do with morality. I did not fail an exam or not get hired. I did not lose money or fall down. No, I did things that were bad and not good. I did, thought or said things that pushed myself away from others or pushed others. In so doing, I have torn myself away from God. I have torn away at my soul.

This sounds monstrous when I want it to be magnanimous. It isn't monstrous as to choose between good and evil is the essence of life. We try to navigate right and wrong, when all we need to do is to seek out the good: to find and join God. 

At times, I have said that I believe in God to others. Often, I put the mantle on as if to pump up my self-esteem or to try to outdo others. Instead, I should have shared my coat to help keep them warm and safe. I should have given my blanket for others to wear. At times, I have paused to contemplate my thoughts, words and deeds before executing. I have known full well the consequences, direct and direct, short-term and long-term. At these points, I have launched into rationalizations and justifications. Thus armed, I have set down the mantle and proceded. Shortly after, I have gone to self-pity and punishment and try to find my scarf, only to find it thin and thread-bare. 

Certainly, I have paid for the consequences, which I have tried to avoid successfully. I know that I need to complete penance, fix what I have damaged, prevent future hurt, repair relationships and ask forgiveness. I need to ask others, myself and God or there will be nothing of this mantle left. I do not do it often enough, out of fear. It is a dread about how others will think of me. In this world of exposure and judgement, small comforts can be found in keeping these things underground and secret.

Here is where the God part comes in. She sees everything and everywhere. He is me, you and everyone now, in the past and forever more. Hiding it is just pulling away from God. She is not trying to take the coat back. I am just giving it back out of shame. 

If I believed, I would honor the mantle. It would be sacred. I would wear it everywhere. I would share altruistically without hesitation or doubt. I would not be afraid. I would enjoy doing good. I would wake up with enthusiasm to do good. 

As humans, we tend to persecute people who do things that are not right, correct or normal. We punish or ignore those who stand out who call us to change with their actions and example. I would be sure to stop this. I would wear my mantle in the brightest colours to share my belief. No one could suppress me or you or God.

As a young kid, I heard that world hunger, poverty and war could not be solved. Back then, with innocence, I would pull out my mantle. I would show it to others as I refused to believe. I believed in God. 

As an old man, I write blogs and awful poetry. I am trying to pull out the mantle. I watched a TED Talk video during which a fishery expert explained how we could bring back the fish of the world quite simply and eliminate food shortages and the conflict that entails. The solution was simple. Many more countries needed to adopt fishing regulation and protections and policies. I watched the graphs and the data spin by in the video as I knew that what she said was good and true. Watching a video should hardly be a revelation, but I have found God in a thousand places. I just need to open my eyes. I need to see the miracle and gift of bread and fish laid before us

I need hope that there is a God. Without Her, I cannot go on. Nor can we.

I need to trust in Him. I need to know that despite the apparent universality of greed, fear and hate that love will continue to transform the world into a reflection of His good. 

I need to have faith in Her. I need to wear the mantle. I need others to wear the coat as we face the obstacles, the ones we have set before ourselves and the ones laid before us. I cannot give up. Nor can we.

I need to love Him. I need to give Him the praise due. When things are bad, I need to adjust my lens and be thankful for what I have been given, when others have not been. I need to share with others because we are all one in the same: we are God. I need to pray for advise and strength. I need to be able to give this and take from others.

Most importantly, I need to believe in Her. I need to start and continue my day following in her footsteps. I need to know where to go and what to do. I need to stay true.

Or I will be lost and alone.

Is it true we start to become like the people we surround ourselves with?

We become what we do by habit. The people we surround ourselves with provide an example and a mirror. When we are with 'good' people, we behave well and become 'good'. When we are with people who do not pursue 'good', we can too easily adapt to or accommodate such behaviour. As self-reflective people, we work to not adopt these habits but it remains hard as we are not accepted by these people when we do. We work to surround ourselves with 'good' people. 

However, what about the people who do not pursue or see 'good'? We cannot abandon them. We need to be a mirror and a model for them as well. At this point, we reach self-actualization. It sound easy and clear. In reality, it isn't. But we must try.

The Almighty Sun

The Sun is my God. 

She warms me. She blinds me. She reigns behind clouds or commands the open blue sky. 

She is present everyday for myself and everyone, has been and will be. Her reach is immeasurable. 

She is not to be known but only understood and remembered. For all things start and end and continue with her.

Bites of Wisdom Campaign

I have found myself sharing bites of wisdom on twitter (@chilgartner). I do so that others can make of them what they will. I also do it so that I can hold these bites in my head as I attend to the day before me. 

As I am big on collaboration and the point of social media is to be social, I am creating a campaign to collect these bites of wisdom. To contribute, tweet your bite to #WiseBites. To view the bites, visit #WiseBites in your twitter account. If you are not shy, include your @username so we can connect.

As my first WiseBite, I have posted the following:

Shortcuts are instant gratification. Goals require sacrifice & yield long-term satisfaction. #personalgrowth #WiseBites

I am feeling wiser already. Tweet #WiseBites

A prayer

I pray for my children, Jacob, Kaelyn, Christina and James. I pray they find their purpose and their strength. I pray they struggle and celebrate with faith, hope and love. I pray they look after each other and themselves. May they find passion and confort with friends and family. 

Coaching

I have been working on my personal growth intensively over the last year. I have been working to lose weight, recover my energy and inner strength, build my character, reconnect with friends, and love my family. Although I cannot say it has not been without its bumps, difficulties and moments of pain, I am pleased to celebrate that I am in a better place as a person. I have lost weight. I have maintained connections with friends. I have reinvested in my family. I am more actively engaged.

I set about this task because I had lost so much and was continuing to do so. I felt out of control in my ability to affect change and stay the tide. I had buried myself in work as a refuge. I looked on my future as something that would one day correct itself. I told myself that I was a strong and intelligent person and that I would be able to make it right.

COACH CAREY

Then, I was humbled. I had a seizure. I had a brain tumor removed and a year of chemotherapy and radiation. I lost what energy I had. My short-term memory was struck down. My wife and family rallied around me. I returned to work and had to learn memory strategies to stay productive and connected. I was given a second chance at life.

Then, I was humbled. The programs and teams at I directed at work were attacked by new leadership. I stood up for them. I stood up for myself. I left on a sick leave. When I returned, I was ambushed and framed. I left to find work elsewhere. I have found a temporary job and casual guest teaching, for both of which I am grateful. Despite attempts, I have been unsuccessful at gaining full-time employment with the benefits needed to support my family. Financial hardships have hit my family and the stress has torn us apart.

Then, I was humbled. My daughter collapsed from a severe headache. She had a ventricle in her brain blocked by a rare tumor. She had surgery. I remember my family and I worrying that she would not make it. Like the angel she is, Christina recovered and struggles with memory loss with her effervescent smile. I draw inspiration from her and wish some day to be as strong as her.

Then, I was humbled. My grandfather passed. He was a hard-working man who was given little, did so much, and put family first. He never complained. He was one of my heroes. I wrote a speech for his funeral but  I caught a chest infection that laid me low. I was unable to attend his funeral. I cried that day.

There are people that are worse off, I know. However, I sometimes cannot see that when I am in my tunnel. When I disengage, I can see this and remind myself. I have kept moving on. At times, I am not sure I know how. But in my moments of clarity, I know that it is because of others.

COACH.ME

I am strong, but I have needed friends and family to pull me up when I am weak. I needed advice, encouragement and even admonishment to keep me walking. I thank my psychologist greatly as she has kept me positive and hopeful. She has been a great coach. I thank my friends and colleagues who meet me for coffee to keep me grounded. I thank my family for their help when there was nothing left. 

I was afraid that asking for help meant that I was weak or needy or that people would see me that way.  I have always strived to earn respect and not sympathy. Now, I realize that helping each other is essential to the meaning and purpose of life. None of my family or friends have judged me and I have never judged them when they needed help.

LOSEIT.COM

I have had so many coaches and mentors in my life. At work and at home, I have always adopted a coaching style: one where I meet a person where they are and we work together towards new personal goals. We hold hands when things get rough. We celebrate when we reach milestones. I have learned to replace bad habits with new healthy ones. I have used coach.me and loseit.com to track and share my progress.I wish to give back. I have launched a coaching site. I wish to make it part of my personal and work life so that I can feel integrity and passion in what I do - and squeeze out a living.


I stand at the base of the fifth mountain. I hope you will join me.