I mean no one offence by saying that I do not believe in God but I wish I could, especially God. I am not saying that he or she or it does not exist. I am not proclaiming to the world that I am an atheist nor am I letting my inner agnostic free.
I am not dishing God because I know innately there is a God. I just am having almighty trouble believing in Him or Her. I know it sounds crazy but I am quite to open to the Divine and its many faces. I understand that we may refer to God as God, Yahweh, Allah, Jehovah, the Great Spirit or Mother Nature. We may worship from pews or mats or mountain tops. We may do it in temples, synagogues, or quiet rooms. We may give praise together or alone in a multiverse of languages. We may collect our understandings in scrolls or books, gather them in stories, poems, essays or movies. We may proclaim to be right and others wrong. However, none of this matters and at the same time means everything as we are wrong and we are all right. I know that we as an individual and as a collective are God.
I came to this paradoxical, simple and complex conclusion about the nature of God when I was very young. With this mantle, I have set forth into this world. However, I have often set this coat down. I believe I have misplaced it. I have thought, said and done bad things that have hurt myself and others directly and indirectly in complete disregard of this mantle.
I need to point out that I did not do things that were wrong or incorrect. These things are just mistakes and are measured by concepts and standards that have nothing to do with morality. I did not fail an exam or not get hired. I did not lose money or fall down. No, I did things that were bad and not good. I did, thought or said things that pushed myself away from others or pushed others. In so doing, I have torn myself away from God. I have torn away at my soul.
This sounds monstrous when I want it to be magnanimous. It isn't monstrous as to choose between good and evil is the essence of life. We try to navigate right and wrong, when all we need to do is to seek out the good: to find and join God.
At times, I have said that I believe in God to others. Often, I put the mantle on as if to pump up my self-esteem or to try to outdo others. Instead, I should have shared my coat to help keep them warm and safe. I should have given my blanket for others to wear. At times, I have paused to contemplate my thoughts, words and deeds before executing. I have known full well the consequences, direct and direct, short-term and long-term. At these points, I have launched into rationalizations and justifications. Thus armed, I have set down the mantle and proceded. Shortly after, I have gone to self-pity and punishment and try to find my scarf, only to find it thin and thread-bare.
Certainly, I have paid for the consequences, which I have tried to avoid successfully. I know that I need to complete penance, fix what I have damaged, prevent future hurt, repair relationships and ask forgiveness. I need to ask others, myself and God or there will be nothing of this mantle left. I do not do it often enough, out of fear. It is a dread about how others will think of me. In this world of exposure and judgement, small comforts can be found in keeping these things underground and secret.
Here is where the God part comes in. She sees everything and everywhere. He is me, you and everyone now, in the past and forever more. Hiding it is just pulling away from God. She is not trying to take the coat back. I am just giving it back out of shame.
If I believed, I would honor the mantle. It would be sacred. I would wear it everywhere. I would share altruistically without hesitation or doubt. I would not be afraid. I would enjoy doing good. I would wake up with enthusiasm to do good.
As humans, we tend to persecute people who do things that are not right, correct or normal. We punish or ignore those who stand out who call us to change with their actions and example. I would be sure to stop this. I would wear my mantle in the brightest colours to share my belief. No one could suppress me or you or God.
As a young kid, I heard that world hunger, poverty and war could not be solved. Back then, with innocence, I would pull out my mantle. I would show it to others as I refused to believe. I believed in God.
As an old man, I write blogs and awful poetry. I am trying to pull out the mantle. I watched a TED Talk video during which a fishery expert explained how we could bring back the fish of the world quite simply and eliminate food shortages and the conflict that entails. The solution was simple. Many more countries needed to adopt fishing regulation and protections and policies. I watched the graphs and the data spin by in the video as I knew that what she said was good and true. Watching a video should hardly be a revelation, but I have found God in a thousand places. I just need to open my eyes. I need to see the miracle and gift of bread and fish laid before us
I need hope that there is a God. Without Her, I cannot go on. Nor can we.
I need to trust in Him. I need to know that despite the apparent universality of greed, fear and hate that love will continue to transform the world into a reflection of His good.
I need to have faith in Her. I need to wear the mantle. I need others to wear the coat as we face the obstacles, the ones we have set before ourselves and the ones laid before us. I cannot give up. Nor can we.
I need to love Him. I need to give Him the praise due. When things are bad, I need to adjust my lens and be thankful for what I have been given, when others have not been. I need to share with others because we are all one in the same: we are God. I need to pray for advise and strength. I need to be able to give this and take from others.
Most importantly, I need to believe in Her. I need to start and continue my day following in her footsteps. I need to know where to go and what to do. I need to stay true.
Or I will be lost and alone.
